love and relationship

Breaking Rules in Finding Love

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Society dictates what the majority perceives as right or wrong, forgetting that each one of us also has our personal conditioning to battle against. Some of us rigidly follow rules we created, from what deems to be appropriate and safe, and what seems to be worth our while.

Reason vs Emotion

In dating and relationships, your heart and mind are often in constant disagreement. No matter how many times you tell yourself to choose your mind over your heart, and whichever you end up choosing, you will still be in a state of dissonance. You start to take another step back and still get cold feet, thinking that you might be making the wrong choice. Sounds familiar?

Let us say that you finally talked to the person you've been liking for a long time. Finally getting your shot to talk to that person sent you to cloud nine. You realized that you wanted that experience again. But then, it dawned on you that you might be getting ahead of yourself. That person may not have the same feelings as you have. You realized that the conversation you had might just be a casual thing for that person.

Relationship trauma

A person who has been in a series of failed relationships may be skeptical in trusting a potential partner. For someone who has been cheated on, every new person knocking to be part of one's life becomes a reminder of every person who left. This pattern of meeting someone new again is another reminder of the pain and the idea of falling back on one's face again.

Hey stranger!

We are afraid of uncertainty. Who wouldn’t right? We still like someone whom we never really know much about, just as often and as people as we are, eventually like someone whom we've known for years.

It's like falling in love with a stranger, someone we barely know. Personally, this is one reason I tend to put things in perspective. I rationalize things. I always give it a thought, a minute, a second - it doesn’t matter as long as it has been carefully thought of.

Songs and cliches of love

Here are a few of the cliches in dating that are epitomized in popular songs.

  1. Mariah Carey said, "Love Takes Time." To find true love, you must take things slow.
  2. Like in Elvis Presley's song Can't Help Falling In Love, "only fools rush in".

You only live once

But we are also told YOLO, that living in regrets and wondering about what could’ve been, will haunt us later in life. Certain situations will open our minds to breaking certain rules that we lived up to ourselves.

Fastpitching love

Most of us - although not deliberately - make our own rules to protect ourselves, so we can first figure things out before going for a home run. But remember that sometimes catching a fastpitch is going for victory, and delaying a home run is accepting that in this arena, you prefer to be a loser.

Dating and relationships seem to be way above our heads, evident in how we play them out in our daily lives. We work with our heads, work with our minds, and work with our gut-feelings. Sometimes, this routine gets too overwhelming and depressing. We unconsciously create new trauma that could emotionally paralyze us just as we watch our lives walk past us.

Get out of your comfort zone

Going out of our comfort zone can help us put things in perspective. The takeaway, ironically, is a no-brainer. If breaking that rule ended undesirably, like in many aspects of our lives, we get to learn something out of it anyway. I am not an absolutist nor am I for this run-stark-raving-mad-and-jump-into-a-burning-pit kind of person just so I could learn the alternative. There are a lot of gray areas in situations and so many perspectives to see that we cannot be certain about what we know at all. And definitely not to the point of declaring that we get life all figured out.

Break your rules

Maybe once in a while you try something new. Make different choices and explore possibilities may it be in your personal growth or relationships. Whatever the result, you’ll learn in the process. Braver. Stronger.

Love may not be something that you can hurry and you can feel with just anybody, at least personally. But for simply having tried and for simply braving the uncertainty is liberating.

Will it change your perspective about everything you thought you know? Maybe.

Will it strengthen your understanding of what you believed all along? Maybe.

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